And the Winner Is…

Credit to Kate and Colston for letting me borrow their markers for this quick, muddled sketch. This sketch is only based on professional speculations and may not be entirely accurate. 


Today will go down in history as the day aliens finally touch down on U.S soil to share a very important message. Their big purple ship will land right in Washington (the state, because they’ve got a new guy (who is a little spacey) working navigation and he missed the memo that Washington D.C is different than Washington the state) where they will take control of our television networks. Millions of TV’s will switch channels just before the polling information from the last 5 states is released. Humans will at first be enraged until they see the big purple ship broadcasting a single message. It will sound like, “HOQkj (clicking noise) GNoING, FLEX!!!!”

(There is another new guy who is still figuring out how to work the translation machine. The aliens have had some trouble with their crew, admittedly.)

Eventually they will get it to work, and we will all hear a single line: “EVERYONE NEEDS TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT.”

That’s right guys, what’s done is done. It’s time to relax. Let’s face it, you can talk about it as much as you want, hate on your neighbor, stop buying tomatoes from people who you think are supporting the “wrong” candidate, cry about the fate of our country, get in a fight, whatever! The result will still be the same: no matter who the winner is, the country will still be a reflection of who YOU are. You are the only one who is absolutely responsible for how you treat other people.

The fact that a presidential race is changing how we act towards our friends and neighbors is something I absolutely cannot comprehend.

The countless discussions about our options have made me exhausted. The point has been worn more than your 4-year-old’s favorite pair of pants. To put it in perspective, I was woken this morning by an alert on my phone* saying, “TSR should write a blog for election day!” and I shrugged. I rolled over so I could respond asking another editor to do it, and then I remembered I was the one who made the alert weeks ago. This was my idea and I’m totally regretting it.

I’m exhausted because we’re getting so high-strung over opinions that we’re starting to tear ourselves apart, which is a big no-no. I mean, I don’t study politics or history and even I remember Abe’s warning, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Even the aliens can’t sit back and watch us do this. And they’ve sat quietly through a lot of crap.

I am happy that Election Day will be over by tomorrow, and I am happy to see what’s happening on Facebook today. The Internet is lookin’ pretty positive right now. I am proud to see all those voters out there, especially if this is your first election. It’s amazing to see that even in a hazy confusion of badgering candidates, our people will still rise to the occasion to make their voice heard. What will we tell our kids in the future? That even in the face of change we perhaps did not like, we came together as a country of American people.

Remember that this country is a reflection of who you are. We will elect leaders, but how can one man or woman represent the millions of us that make up this place? That’s why they change every four or eight years. And while we have a leader, we still choose how to lead our own lives. We still choose how to treat other people. We choose for ourselves whether to put the gun down or not. That type of independence is the heart of this country.

Now, I think the main event we should be worrying about today is the aliens who have now come forth from the shadows. We’re talkin’ slimy, big-eyed**, extra-terrestrial beings who simply couldn’t watch us tear ourselves apart any longer! They have us cornered on our planet, but we like it, don’t we? Onto the next challenge.

Tonight, after we’ve voted, let’s sit together on the couch and watch the results play out with a bottle of wine, because at the end of the day we’ll still have each other, and our new alien friends.



*Actually, to be completely honest, I was woken by my little cousin sneaking into the room saying, “SHHHHH!!! SHHHHHHHH!! Therese is sleeping!” To which I responded, “Not anymore,” and proceeded to pass in and out of consciousness while she played a clanking game of pin ball on the 1950’s machine located in the bedroom.

**Slimy, yes, but in a good way, the type of slime that exfoliates your skin if you touch it. And big eyes? That’s adorable! 


Author: theresemasotta

Co-Founder/Editor of The Slag Review, Writer, Adventurer, Part-Time Badass. Appalachian Trail Name: Lil Wayne. Get out there and taste the world! Fly on, you crazy soul.

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